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Charlie Sheen Doesn’t Write His Tweets
Mar 6th
Photo: J. Scott Campbell
Apparently RadarOnline and Charlie Sheen aren’t putting wins in the record book together anymore, because Radar Editor-in-Chief Dylan Howard just went on TV Guide Network’s Hollywood 411 and revealed that Charlie doesn’t even write his own Twitter account:
“I’ll let you know a secret. He doesn’t actually do the tweets himself. He has a “tweet-master” as he calls it. He calls this person on the traditional cell phone, or the house phone when I was there, and says the message that he wants out.”
According to Howard, his name is Bob Maron.
Of course, this makes all kind of sense because, honestly, whether you’re pro-tiger blood or not, I don’t think any of us could realistically see Charlie Sheen sitting in front of a computer trying to contain himself to 140 characters without a hooker getting shot. That said, while it sounds like Charlie is determining the content, it now opens up the possibility that this is just a legal strategy for botching his custody deal with Brooke Mueller, or even worse, we’re missing out on three a.m. tweets declaring himself Lord Cathlar: Supreme Vatican Assassin.
CHARLIE: Bobby. Bobby boy. Got another tweet for you.
BOB: It’s four a.m., Mr. Sheen.
CHARLIE: Winning time, Bobby. Now get on the pussy machine and type this out for me: “Denise Richards’ cunt is the forest moon Endor and I’m motherfucking Darth Vader just up here on my Ass Star bombing Ewoks in half.” Then put that little number sign and “Jedi cock,” all one word.
BOB: Wow, that actually fits.
CHARLIE: Four-dimensional Parcheesi, bitch.
BOB: I think you mean three-dimensional chess.
CHARLIE: Whatever. Alright, now ask me the question.
BOB: *sigh* Are you on high cocaine, Mr. Sheen?
CHARLIE: Fuck yeah I am. Seven gram rocks and I’m just banging them.
BOB: And I’ll just go ahead and delete this.
CHARLIE: Worth your weight in gold, Bobby. Good talk. *hangs up*
Charlie Sheen Wants a Custody Fight With Denise Richards Now, Too
Mar 6th
Photos: Pacific Coast News
During this whole tiger blood debacle, Denise Richards has stayed relatively silent and above the fray. Which years ago was never the case, except after the past few months, we, and especially me, owe her an apology because now there’s a much greater understanding of the insanity she foolishly married and had kids with. On that note, because his current custody battle with Brooke Mueller is going so well, Charlie Sheen wants to fight Denise in court, too, because she won’t allow their daughters to appear in the crazed interviews he’s giving with hookers sitting next to him. So clearly she’s some sort of losing Earth-bitch who deserves to die, is of course what Charlie’s about to say. TMZ reports:
We’re told Charlie has gone on an attack campaign against Denise in the last two weeks, accusing her of being an awful mother, a loser, and wishing her a slow death.
We’re told Charlie is particularly enraged at Denise because yesterday he asked her to bring the kids over to his home to shoot a segment for “Dateline” today. We’re told Denise refused to bring the kids over, and Charlie went ballistic.
As some more background to this whole mess, apparently last week just before Charlie went off the deep end, Denise also refused to bring the girls over for a family portrait involving Charlie, his two sons and the goddesses. This caused him to tailspin into the coke-fueled manic episode/temper tantrum that’s re-rocketed him to fame as our nation’s superstar mental patient of the week:
We’re told Denise believes Brooke Mueller’s allegation that on the way to the Bahamas, Charlie told everyone he “violently” hated Denise and was going to have her hair shaved off.
We’re told the day before Charlie allegedly made that comment, he had asked Denise to sit for a photo shoot with him, their kids, Brooke and her kids, along with the goddesses — and she refused.
We’re told Charlie went ballistic at her, sending her vicious text messages, so she believes Charlie was in a state of mind to make the head-shaving comment.
In the meantime, Denise is adamant about not letting her daughters near Charlie and is requesting a change to the custody agreement on the grounds that he’s dangerous. So that makes two sets of women who just won the child support lottery all over again and makes it even more likely that Charlie will “win” this weekend by shoving his head inside a porn star’s vagina and suffocating to death. And before you say that’s anatomically impossible, you should take a look at these girls first. The option’s so far on the table it engulfed it.
Courteney Cox Wore Another Bikini
Mar 6th
Photos: Flynet
And to bring this day to a close before Charlie Sheen does any more winning – Don’t bipolars eventually slip into a pit of depression and sleep for days or does he just coke right over that? – here’s Courteney Cox wearing a bikini in Hawaii today. Granted, it’s nowhere near as hot as this one from earlier in the week, I added shots of Busy Philipps because that will.. makes things better? I should’ve stuck with lighting firecrackers in your face and running out the door, shouldn’t I? Dammit. Gotta start trusting that first instinct.
Charlie Sheen is a Brilliant Legal Strategist
Mar 6th
Photos: Flynet
Let’s take a moment to catch up on the brewing custody battle between Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller that almost resolved itself yesterday until Charlie decided our terrestrial legal system doesn’t apply to him anymore. You see, early in the day, the police were at his house again because, surprise, the divorce settlement he signed just last month prohibited him from disclosing “to any media sources personal information relating to Brooke’s alleged drug usage.” So basically he was about to be held in contempt of court which is why suddenly there was talk of a friendly deal along with the following tweets:
not sure what all the legal noise is about… just verbally reached a deal with B. no court mon. yay….
..yet the opposition felt it necessary to still harass me with old gibberish…. odd? perhaps. transparent? you betcha’!
For those of you keeping score at home: “Old gibberish” stands for legal documents in Winner Talk and apparently they don’t mean anything to Charlie Sheen. Unless, of course, its his CBS contract, in which case he’ll sue your face off in a tsunami of gibberish. Anyway, this deal was just about to go through except it contained one very important clause: Charlie can’t talk to the media about it, so you can see exactly where this went. Via TMZ:
The first term in the deal was that Charlie not talk to the media about the agreement. We’re told Brooke’s lawyers are scratching their heads in amazement that Charlie immediately violated that term by tweeting about it and talking about it on a Philadelphia radio station.
We’ve also learned … the verbal agreement is not as Charlie stated — in other words, it’s not restoring the custody agreement they agreed to in the divorce. Sources tell us … the deal required that when Charlie had the twins a monitor would be present.
That’s right, The Tiger Blood F-18 couldn’t keep his mouth shut for five minutes which effectively landed him in court on Monday where he’ll have to explain to a judge why two women openly engaged in prostitution should be allowed to raise his children. Then again, I’ve always wanted to see someone argue in court that he’s only bound by “space-law” before strafing the bailiff in his underwear. “I do this every morning before coffee! EEEerrrraawwwwww! RATATATATATATATAT!”
Kacey Jordan Wins ‘Best Whore’
Mar 4th
Joining the ranks of such empowered women as Jamie Jungers, who has to be just thrilled I reminded everyone she banged Tiger Woods for money – which she did, Kacey Jordan won this morning’s Porn Star pageant on The Howard Stern Show despite attempting to pretending she’s capable of dignity just two days ago on Twitter:
Not too happy having to share Howard stern time with these other stupid whores, I might back out… I’m not that desperate!
Coincidentally, Jamie claimed she didn’t want to capitalize on her fame as a gold-digging prostitute to the stars, only to also turn around and do last year’s pageant for the $75,000 prize. Now I’m not saying Tiger and Charlie surrounded themselves with essentially hookers because they can’t get laid otherwise. I’m just saying it’s going to be a miracle if Charlie doesn’t wake up to find one of his kids has been sold into white slavery because these women are dead inside. Seriously, if I drove by his house waving a dollar bill out the window, I guarantee I could make at least two of them burst through the doggy door like the goddamn Beggin’ Strips commercial.
*sniff sniff* “Money! Money! Where’s the money? I smell money! MONEEEYYYY!”
Photos: INFdaily
